I don’t want to buy pajamas

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything, from the fact that I gave birth to what movie I saw or better “tried” to see yesterday. When I got pregnant I decided to write about my pregnancy day by day but because of my fears (yes, I’m a fear person) I skipped it and started writing about movies and tv series, since I had plenty of time.  When I gave birth I swore I’d write about my baby time at home and the whole experience but due to lack of time (irony) I stopped writing anything.

It’s been 2 months since my baby girl arrived home and to be honest I’m going crazy here.  So I googled “raising a baby without getting insane”.  Most of the results from google were not giving the answers I wanted, I mean “forget your nails and hair” kind of stuff or “buy pajamas” are not the kind of answers I was hoping to get.  These things I already know.  I need advises on how to keep your nails in shape, your hair done and don’t change your wardrobe while having a baby at home.  I know, I know…a baby changes your life blah blah but what happens when you are not willing to change?  And again I know I should be happy that I’ve been so blessed and everything is going so well but I am a huge fan of independency and I’m a person who only gives a shit about herself (it sounds awful when I put it this way).

What I’m trying to say is…I’m 32 yet I feel like 22, still trying to figure out what I want from life.  Baby came and I wasn’t prepared, I wasn’t prepared to be loving and caring and super protective about anyone else but me, don’t get that wrong, even I feel guilty reading this.  I wrote above, I’m a “fear” person, I get panic attacks, it’s difficult to give the attention needed when I’m like “what happens if…” or like “I don’t feel well, I’m going to the doctor” kind of thing.  And while I want to go for a cup of coffee, I want to go to the beach, I want to travel, I want to write, I want to paint, I want to excercise… I see my life changing.  I wasn’t prepared to actually realize that Hey this August I’m turning 33, I’m married, I have a baby, is this a wrinkle?.  And the irony is I don’t care for age.  Baby made me think like “in order to watch her grow up…shit I’ll get older”.  And then I think I should be so lucky to see my daughter grow up.

In the meantime I don’t want to wake her up, I want to drink my coffee and light a cigarette (yes, it’s killing me).  I want to take a bath and do my hair.  I would so love to go to the beach, get a tan for summer’s sake.  Shit, she’s waking up…my little one.

By the way I watched 47 Ronin yesterday, or better “tried” to watch.

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