I’ve changed so much over the past 5 years. With the exception of my mirror telling me this is me now, it’s like I don’t recognize me anymore. And the mirror, I’m telling you, it’s trying so hard. I can see the time passing by, and to think I’m only 32, ok 33. It has to be that I’d like to be 23 and who wouldn’t want time to stop at 23. For some reason I feel desperate, the desperate housewife who wants to turn back time when she was happier or less frustrated or with no responsibilities what so ever. Or maybe I’m just tired. Tired of waiting for something to shake things up a little. It’s the routine my friends I’m telling you. It’s killing us. Now, add a two month baby in the script and you’ve got yourself a crazy person. The woman who fights with her husband over nothing, who throws things and yells for no reason, she is the one who talks to herself in the grocery store.
Ok, things are not that bad. But, they could be unless I do something about it. Let’s be honest, if it weren’t for this blog I’d probably be talking to that mirror I was telling you about. What about my girl friends? Yeap, my girl friends, they are the reminder of what life used to be prior marriage and baby. They are helpful but let’s be honest again, can they really get into my shoes? Truth be told they have their own problems to think about. I have the luxury to stay at home with my baby, at least for now, but staying at home, this home to be exact, is plenty enough to turn me into that crazy person. What’s wrong with my home? I live in no-place land, I don’t even have an address, I’m alone, me and some mosquitoes. Don’t forget the rottweiler.
First time mom? Here’s the plan. To do lists. I always planned my day ahead with to do lists. They save you time from wondering what you have forgotten to do. And with the baby and all I seem to forget things very easily. So every night before I go to sleep I write down what needs to be done the next day. Wait a minute..what happens if you forget to write something that needs to be done in your to do list? Hey, shit happens.
It’s been a while since I last wrote anything, from the fact that I gave birth to what movie I saw or better “tried” to see yesterday. When I got pregnant I decided to write about my pregnancy day by day but because of my fears (yes, I’m a fear person) I skipped it and started writing about movies and tv series, since I had plenty of time. When I gave birth I swore I’d write about my baby time at home and the whole experience but due to lack of time (irony) I stopped writing anything.
It’s been 2 months since my baby girl arrived home and to be honest I’m going crazy here. So I googled “raising a baby without getting insane”. Most of the results from google were not giving the answers I wanted, I mean “forget your nails and hair” kind of stuff or “buy pajamas” are not the kind of answers I was hoping to get. These things I already know. I need advises on how to keep your nails in shape, your hair done and don’t change your wardrobe while having a baby at home. I know, I know…a baby changes your life blah blah but what happens when you are not willing to change? And again I know I should be happy that I’ve been so blessed and everything is going so well but I am a huge fan of independency and I’m a person who only gives a shit about herself (it sounds awful when I put it this way).
What I’m trying to say is…I’m 32 yet I feel like 22, still trying to figure out what I want from life. Baby came and I wasn’t prepared, I wasn’t prepared to be loving and caring and super protective about anyone else but me, don’t get that wrong, even I feel guilty reading this. I wrote above, I’m a “fear” person, I get panic attacks, it’s difficult to give the attention needed when I’m like “what happens if…” or like “I don’t feel well, I’m going to the doctor” kind of thing. And while I want to go for a cup of coffee, I want to go to the beach, I want to travel, I want to write, I want to paint, I want to excercise… I see my life changing. I wasn’t prepared to actually realize that Hey this August I’m turning 33, I’m married, I have a baby, is this a wrinkle?. And the irony is I don’t care for age. Baby made me think like “in order to watch her grow up…shit I’ll get older”. And then I think I should be so lucky to see my daughter grow up.
In the meantime I don’t want to wake her up, I want to drink my coffee and light a cigarette (yes, it’s killing me). I want to take a bath and do my hair. I would so love to go to the beach, get a tan for summer’s sake. Shit, she’s waking up…my little one.
By the way I watched 47 Ronin yesterday, or better “tried” to watch.